why do i feel more abandoned and lonely at the weekends ?
November 7, 2008 by admin
Filed under Questions and Answers
living alone in a one bedroom apartment on disability, lived alone since 2005.
im waiting for group therapy right now , the dawning that i have nobody really , never built up any relationships ever in life , have borderline personality disorder and ptsd.
suffer severe low self worth, get to clingy, overbearing, intense , act desperate with people, want intimacy to soon, act desperate and eager – so i cause people to back away and reject me..
so i cant even reach out to people on the internet because of the way iam i know ill be rejected , and rejections to painful for me.
i have a disadvantaged background ; no emplotment history , no education or qualifications ever , missed our because suffered so much, criminal record , psychiatric record , time spent in a mental hospital……been homeless…suffered severe bullying , assaults and head injuries over the course of my life .
missed out on everything.
im now 30, have physically aged to look at, i have physical imperfections ; 2 missing teeth – front bottom row – a crooked little finger due to injury years back, damaged nerves in my knuckle through punching a wall years ago – even though i can use my hand normally , i cant punch a punchbag without it hurting.
at weekends i feel even more abandoned , isolated and alienated , like everybody , society and people are far away from me…….like im left behind..
i think of the contacts that once reached out to me on here, that i lost because i was to clingy desperate or was afraid to reciprocate , so i lost them.
i think how distant they are……i think of the atlantic itself , distant horizons , lonely horizons…….about the good people that are distant and who abandoned me.
i feel deserted by life and people, far away from the life i would like to achieve.
i see the cartoonish yahoo avatars with their grins pictured in distant ocean backgrounds or other tropical backgrounds , all ‘ distant ‘ from me.
its going to be very hard for me and im extremely disadvantaged to achieve the life i want , ive spent all my life on disability.
the goals of a caring loving wife- to move from england permenantly near the coast to a hot climate , a good paying computer job, its going to be really hard to achieve this dream…………..and this is depressing me.
i dont go out because of high anxiety levels and because i still struggle to control rage and aggression……plus im scared of people being aloof and rejectiong of me , which people have been in general for a long time.
so im inside everyday, moping around my empty flat , relying on the mental health services for help…
everybody , society, seems far far far away from me , very distant , extremely on the weekends, all the friendly cartoon avatars very distant in their oceanic backgrounds.
i feel deserted, abandoned, alienated , isolated and alone , why is this ?
i feel without purpous far away from the life i want, the life of crossing the ocean , leaving england for good , living near the coast, in a hot climate, with a ggood paid computer job……a loving fellow spanish wife , senorita ……….all seem very distant and ‘ unobtainable ‘.
call it fantasy , but that is my goal in life , my big ambition.
how can i handle this ?
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sootica22 on Mon, 10th Nov 2008 4:21 pm
U said u have no qualifications, why not start a small course at college, i think it would be a good start to building up your self asteem as u begin to achieve a bit at a time. It worked for me. x
Timmy S. on Tue, 11th Nov 2008 10:14 am
Study, knowledge is the key of life, it’s not late to have a qualification as a matter of fact it’s never too late to learn, okay i am 14, but really im not wrong i guess, there’s this lady who’s 90 years old lives in this city of ours, she learnt to swim last month =D
give it a shot call up on of these support groups head for GCSEs or A levels or University, as u like!
Witch on Fri, 14th Nov 2008 3:02 am
Sorry, I don’t have a helpful answer to your question but I do hope you can find help and inner peace soon.
If you want someone to talk to via email just get in touch. I have suffered from depression in the past so I have a tiny amount of an idea as to how you feel righ tnow.
Chicken Man on Sun, 16th Nov 2008 3:30 am
F*ck, I’m still young and not experienced enough to really give this answer alot of worth, but what the heck. I don’t know how difficult it must be for you, I have no Idea at all, only vaguely, but I’m not gonna share my problems. I would say the first step is just to ACCEPT yourself the way you are, love yourself, and be happy with who you are, wish that no one or nothing can change you, be proud of yourself. Of course you cant just magically do that, but just try as hard as you can. You will gain confidence.
You say you feel deserted and abandoned, I’m no phsycology expert but I’d say you feel as if thats where you belong because of you’re condition, but there is a place for you in society.
I dont give a sh*t if you agree with me or not up to this point, but you have to just do this: Go outside and go to the supermarket, A bus stop, ANYWHERE. And engage in conversation with a complete stranger, if you’re baffled as to how to start one, just bring up the current state of weather. That sh*t right there is a huge confidence builder, whenever I look down on myself I just randomly start conversation with everyone I see, and I begin to feel happy, confident. If your behaviour patterns start to kick in then apologize and explain your condition, etc etc. If the person you’re speaking to is right, you can have a deep convo with them NO MATTER if you struggle with social things like this.
Be comfortable with telling people about yourself, and your confidence will grow, you’ll begin to love yourself and come out of that darkness.
Also, Laughter is the best medicine, you need to cheer yourself up and realize you can reach your goals, when you go and speak to random people, LAUGH, crack a joke, LAUGH at their jokes, it feels so good to laugh.
Basically, learn to love who you are and put your depressed past behind you, and the rest will follow.
Hope this helped :S
pullthetrigger on Tue, 18th Nov 2008 12:40 am
you have direction. you have goals and aims. you say you want a computer job, and you have a computer, so look on the internet for online computer courses. that way, you don’t even have to go out to get some training. then, with that training or qualification, you are on your way to getting a job, which will then earn the money needed to travel. you’ve missed out on education in the past, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get education now.
you say you can’t reach out to people because you’ll be rejected – it’s not definite that you’ll be rejected – i haven’t rejected you have i? so what makes you think others will? there’s many people on here that are very keen on helping you, so i’m sure they wouldn’t reject you if you were to send them an email. you may be having problems with people on here because people keep giving you good advice, but you don’t seem to be helping yourself that much – and things aren’t going to get better unless you help yourself. they may be giving up on you because of that. PROVE THEM WRONG. show them that you have strength, which you do. you have helped yourself with regards to your aggression problems, so you need to do the same for your other problems. go against yourself and your fear – go out, even if it’s just to the shop. smile at people who pass by, say hello perhaps. go out and meet people – go to clubs or something, or go to the local pub (though don’t become an alcoholic) – if you meet people, and go out more regularly, people will recognise you, and you’ll hopefully make friends. you want a wife – the only way you’re going to meet a lady is by going out, so if you want to achieve that goal, then you have to make the effort to get out there and socialise.
with regards to the avatars, it’s only an avatar. if it makes you feel better, change your avatar, so that you’re there with a nice oceanic background. then every time you see that, look at it and say, ‘i want to have that background, in real life. i’m going to work to get there. i’m not going to give up on my goal.’
use it as a motive.
keep going, you will get there.
lovechild on Thu, 20th Nov 2008 8:47 pm
We have been conditioned since childhood to “let loose” on weekends and also we were allowed to stay up and then there are all of those hit songs about the weekends. But guess what? the fact that you feel that way shows that you are not as out of touch with the “norm” in society as you think- you still have that inner clock (or in this case, calendar) that will help you condition yourself for a school or work week should the oppurtunity to do such arise.
sometimes i don’t know what day it is, i have been free for too long, undisciplined and quite lost because of it. it makes adapting really hard.
the part about distant cartoon avatars is deeply poetic and intense!!!
WAskyLAe on Mon, 24th Nov 2008 8:04 am
JUST FLY to Your Dream
Good Luck