∫e mousquetaire XVI asked:


living alone in a one bedroom apartment on disability, lived alone since 2005.
im waiting for group therapy right now , the dawning that i have nobody really , never built up any relationships ever in life , have borderline personality disorder and ptsd.

suffer severe low self worth, get to clingy, overbearing, intense , act desperate with people, want intimacy to soon, act desperate and eager – so i cause people to back away and reject me..

so i cant even reach out to people on the internet because of the way iam i know ill be rejected , and rejections to painful for me.

i have a disadvantaged background ; no emplotment history , no education or qualifications ever , missed our because suffered so much, criminal record , psychiatric record , time spent in a mental hospital……been homeless…suffered severe bullying , assaults and head injuries over the course of my life .

missed out on everything.

im now 30, have physically aged to look at, i have physical imperfections ; 2 missing teeth – front bottom row – a crooked little finger due to injury years back, damaged nerves in my knuckle through punching a wall years ago – even though i can use my hand normally , i cant punch a punchbag without it hurting.

at weekends i feel even more abandoned , isolated and alienated , like everybody , society and people are far away from me…….like im left behind..

i think of the contacts that once reached out to me on here, that i lost because i was to clingy desperate or was afraid to reciprocate , so i lost them.

i think how distant they are……i think of the atlantic itself , distant horizons , lonely horizons…….about the good people that are distant and who abandoned me.

i feel deserted by life and people, far away from the life i would like to achieve.

i see the cartoonish yahoo avatars with their grins pictured in distant ocean backgrounds or other tropical backgrounds , all ‘ distant ‘ from me.

its going to be very hard for me and im extremely disadvantaged to achieve the life i want , ive spent all my life on disability.

the goals of a caring loving wife- to move from england permenantly near the coast to a hot climate , a good paying computer job, its going to be really hard to achieve this dream…………..and this is depressing me.

i dont go out because of high anxiety levels and because i still struggle to control rage and aggression……plus im scared of people being aloof and rejectiong of me , which people have been in general for a long time.

so im inside everyday, moping around my empty flat , relying on the mental health services for help…

everybody , society, seems far far far away from me , very distant , extremely on the weekends, all the friendly cartoon avatars very distant in their oceanic backgrounds.

i feel deserted, abandoned, alienated , isolated and alone , why is this ?

i feel without purpous far away from the life i want, the life of crossing the ocean , leaving england for good , living near the coast, in a hot climate, with a ggood paid computer job……a loving fellow spanish wife , senorita ……….all seem very distant and ‘ unobtainable ‘.

call it fantasy , but that is my goal in life , my big ambition.

how can i handle this ?

Create a video blog